Sunday, April 3, 2011

BACON: THE GATEWAY MEAT?

They say marijuana is the gateway drug.


Naw, BACON IS! And I'll prove it by quoting this article:


http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011/02/02/133304206/why-bacon-is-a-gateway-to-meat-for-vegetarians






"90 percent of what we taste is really odor, bacon's aggressive smell delivers a powerful hit to our sense of how good it will taste."
The odoriferous potency of bacon is like a blowjob for your nose. Not quite sex, but close enough. And let's be honest here, once you've had sex, you never go back to those virgin days.


""I have long thought if for some reason I ever started eating meat again, I would start with bacon.""
QUOTIN' A QUOTE! Not quite like marijuana, i'll admit. Bacon is more like the start and the end in an endless loop of bacon.


"bacon is one- to two-thirds fat and also has lots of protein, it speaks to our evolutionary quest for calories"  
Bacon is synonymous with manliness. What does marijuana say to our evolutionary quest? NOTHING, unless you're a delusional hippy who convinced him/herself that eating little flowers is good for you. 

And if those reason weren't enough, check out the full article, it's some interesting stuff ( I hit all the highlights).

Oh and, did you know pigs are good swimmers?



It's a sea of BACON!

So, how could bacon get any better?

Friday, April 1, 2011

SCENT BY THE GODS

I apologize for missing two daily posts, there was a power outage at my house.

Naw, I was too busy applying BACON COLOGNE. SCENT BY THE GODS. Seriously though, there was an outage. But I digress, BACON COLOGNE!

HOLY BALLS OF ZEUS!


Men LOVE the smell of bacon. Women LOVE men. EVERYONE SHOULD SMELL LIKE BACON.

It'll get you laid.
It'll land you a six figure job.
It'll take you and your entourage of the world's elite to the top of the world where you drink bacon-flavored red wine and dine on finely roasted strips of swine whom were handpicked by the god of the Sun, Apollo, who fried it himself with the force of a thousand suns.  

In the least, it'll make you pretty damn hungry. 

Here's where to buy it: 


So, would you spray?

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Sir Francis BACON.

Sir Francis Bacon was the father of empiricism and famous for the scientific method.

Naw, he was famous for the BACONIAN method, which I imagine was some revolutionary way to both cook and consume bacon.

Bacon Peanut Brittle was developed at the height of his career.


I'm not sayin Bacon Peanut Brittle is as big of an invention as general anesthesia, I'm sayin it's bigger.

Francis wrote plays about his love of bacon. The fat cats up top were so pleased, they knighted him.

Two star-crossed lovers, cafe bacon and mums bacon, who's death ultimately united all bacon lovers. Shakespeare stole his ideas and dumbed it down a little bit so the peons of the day who had never tasted such heavenly a treat could relate.

Francis didn't give a fuck. He had the respect of the elite, the freemasons, and they snacked on Sir Francis' Bacon Peanut Brittle while discussing world domination.

Unfortunately, Bacon contracted pneumonia while studying the effects of freezing on the preservation of meat. Such dedication would surely have led to many more bacon-related discoveries. To him, we owe it all.

Fortunately, the internet knows all and the secret bacon peanut brittle has now been mass-produced for our enjoyment. Check it out here:

http://www.baconfreak.com/094922285379.html

The site has plenty of bacon goodies which I'll cover at a later time, when I'm not so intoxcitated.

So, how much are you buying?  I'm gettin a couple pounds.

Monday, March 28, 2011

BACON ICE CREAM

HUMAN breast milk ice cream is a wonderful and healthy creation. 



Naw, WHAT THE FUCK LONDON? You got me all paranoid up in this bitch. To me it's like, well, who's breast milk is it? I mean, is it from Angelina Jolie? OR, is it Queen Latifah? 


Honestly, it doesn't matter. The breast milk shit is a publicity stunt and it's taking attention away from more deserving stories. Namely, BACON ICE CREAM.


Do you feel that? My heart just skipped a beat. I think I'm in love. This is the kind of feeling authors write novels about. This is the kind of groundbreaking invention that nobel prizes are given to. This is the kind of gourmet treat that starts lifelong binge-eating.

I wrote a poem.

Roses are Red,
Violets are Violet,
Bacon ice cream in my bed,
Bacon ice cream, get under my blanket.


So two questions today:

What do you think of breast milk and bacon ice creams?
Would you eat it?

Sunday, March 27, 2011

WATCHOO KNOW ABOUT BACON?

There's nothing more disgusting than playing with your food.

Naw, there's playing with your food while filming it and posting it on youtube afterwards, which is EXACTLY what the guys at Epic Meal Time do. Just a warning, they really step it up.


Anything from adorable meat cars to pure meat salads, these guys create the meaty concoctions that you've always dreamed of. What's more, they're crazy about BACON. OBLIGATORY BACON STRIPS SPAM:

BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS.

If you've seen their videos, you get the joke. If you haven't, do you like it dirty? Do you like it smothered? Do you enjoy watching a bunch of bearded men play with their meat together? Of course you do. Satisfaction is GARUANTEED. check it out.

Their slogan is : We make your dreams come true, and then we eat them.

So, would you eat it?

Saturday, March 26, 2011

IM ADDICTED TO BACON

They say nicotine, heroine, and coke are some of the most addictive drugs. ever.

Naw, BACON IS! FUCK YOU SCIENCE!

5 signs of ADDICTION:
Withdrawal -- The severity of withdrawal symptoms produced by stopping the use of the drug.
Reinforcement -- The drug's tendency to induce users to take it again and again.
Tolerance -- The user's need to have ever-increasing doses to get the same effect.
Dependence -- The difficulty in quitting, or staying off the drug, the number of users who eventually become dependent
Intoxication -- The degree of intoxication produced by the drug in typical use.

SELF-DIAGNOSIS (BACK OFF WEBMD, I GOT THIS):


Withdrawal:10/10, I'M ALWAYS AT THE SUPERMARKET, GETTIN MY DAILY FIX.
Reinforcement: 10/10, I CAN'T STOP EATING BACON.
Tolerance: 0/10, bacon would NEVER demand me to fry more bacon for the same greasy goodness
Dependence: 10/10, I can't quit. A day without bacon is like a day without....bacon.DAMN.  
Intoxication: 10/10 Dude, we about to get FRIED.

TOTAL: 40/50. According to my calculations, that's a B. FOR BACON. I ACED THAT TEST.

In celebration, here's "A SIZZLIN BACON RAP SONG" TO TICKLE YOUR MIND...AND TASTE BUDS.



So, how addicted are you?




Friday, March 25, 2011

CONDIMENTS

Sometimes bacon just isn't good by itself and we need to add a bit of pepper.

Naw, FALSE, on TWO accounts. FIRST, bacon is great by itself. SECOND, the only thing that could accompany bacon is MORE bacon. 

I present to you, BACON CONDIMENTS: 

After eating bacon strips covered in bacon condiments. you proceed to sprinkle bacon salt into your mouth and dip your fingers in bacon ranch. Then, BACONNAISE SHOTS! Drink it up! Drinking baconnaise to you is a lot  like having sex on a boat. IT'S FUCKING CLOSE TO WATER. 

You already want it, so I won't say any more. Here's a link to some bacon condiments: 


Those were just 3 of my favorites, the site has plenty more to choose from.

SO, would you condimize it?