Sunday, April 3, 2011

BACON: THE GATEWAY MEAT?

They say marijuana is the gateway drug.


Naw, BACON IS! And I'll prove it by quoting this article:


http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011/02/02/133304206/why-bacon-is-a-gateway-to-meat-for-vegetarians






"90 percent of what we taste is really odor, bacon's aggressive smell delivers a powerful hit to our sense of how good it will taste."
The odoriferous potency of bacon is like a blowjob for your nose. Not quite sex, but close enough. And let's be honest here, once you've had sex, you never go back to those virgin days.


""I have long thought if for some reason I ever started eating meat again, I would start with bacon.""
QUOTIN' A QUOTE! Not quite like marijuana, i'll admit. Bacon is more like the start and the end in an endless loop of bacon.


"bacon is one- to two-thirds fat and also has lots of protein, it speaks to our evolutionary quest for calories"  
Bacon is synonymous with manliness. What does marijuana say to our evolutionary quest? NOTHING, unless you're a delusional hippy who convinced him/herself that eating little flowers is good for you. 

And if those reason weren't enough, check out the full article, it's some interesting stuff ( I hit all the highlights).

Oh and, did you know pigs are good swimmers?



It's a sea of BACON!

So, how could bacon get any better?

Friday, April 1, 2011

SCENT BY THE GODS

I apologize for missing two daily posts, there was a power outage at my house.

Naw, I was too busy applying BACON COLOGNE. SCENT BY THE GODS. Seriously though, there was an outage. But I digress, BACON COLOGNE!

HOLY BALLS OF ZEUS!


Men LOVE the smell of bacon. Women LOVE men. EVERYONE SHOULD SMELL LIKE BACON.

It'll get you laid.
It'll land you a six figure job.
It'll take you and your entourage of the world's elite to the top of the world where you drink bacon-flavored red wine and dine on finely roasted strips of swine whom were handpicked by the god of the Sun, Apollo, who fried it himself with the force of a thousand suns.  

In the least, it'll make you pretty damn hungry. 

Here's where to buy it: 


So, would you spray?

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Sir Francis BACON.

Sir Francis Bacon was the father of empiricism and famous for the scientific method.

Naw, he was famous for the BACONIAN method, which I imagine was some revolutionary way to both cook and consume bacon.

Bacon Peanut Brittle was developed at the height of his career.


I'm not sayin Bacon Peanut Brittle is as big of an invention as general anesthesia, I'm sayin it's bigger.

Francis wrote plays about his love of bacon. The fat cats up top were so pleased, they knighted him.

Two star-crossed lovers, cafe bacon and mums bacon, who's death ultimately united all bacon lovers. Shakespeare stole his ideas and dumbed it down a little bit so the peons of the day who had never tasted such heavenly a treat could relate.

Francis didn't give a fuck. He had the respect of the elite, the freemasons, and they snacked on Sir Francis' Bacon Peanut Brittle while discussing world domination.

Unfortunately, Bacon contracted pneumonia while studying the effects of freezing on the preservation of meat. Such dedication would surely have led to many more bacon-related discoveries. To him, we owe it all.

Fortunately, the internet knows all and the secret bacon peanut brittle has now been mass-produced for our enjoyment. Check it out here:

http://www.baconfreak.com/094922285379.html

The site has plenty of bacon goodies which I'll cover at a later time, when I'm not so intoxcitated.

So, how much are you buying?  I'm gettin a couple pounds.

Monday, March 28, 2011

BACON ICE CREAM

HUMAN breast milk ice cream is a wonderful and healthy creation. 



Naw, WHAT THE FUCK LONDON? You got me all paranoid up in this bitch. To me it's like, well, who's breast milk is it? I mean, is it from Angelina Jolie? OR, is it Queen Latifah? 


Honestly, it doesn't matter. The breast milk shit is a publicity stunt and it's taking attention away from more deserving stories. Namely, BACON ICE CREAM.


Do you feel that? My heart just skipped a beat. I think I'm in love. This is the kind of feeling authors write novels about. This is the kind of groundbreaking invention that nobel prizes are given to. This is the kind of gourmet treat that starts lifelong binge-eating.

I wrote a poem.

Roses are Red,
Violets are Violet,
Bacon ice cream in my bed,
Bacon ice cream, get under my blanket.


So two questions today:

What do you think of breast milk and bacon ice creams?
Would you eat it?

Sunday, March 27, 2011

WATCHOO KNOW ABOUT BACON?

There's nothing more disgusting than playing with your food.

Naw, there's playing with your food while filming it and posting it on youtube afterwards, which is EXACTLY what the guys at Epic Meal Time do. Just a warning, they really step it up.


Anything from adorable meat cars to pure meat salads, these guys create the meaty concoctions that you've always dreamed of. What's more, they're crazy about BACON. OBLIGATORY BACON STRIPS SPAM:

BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS & BACON STRIPS.

If you've seen their videos, you get the joke. If you haven't, do you like it dirty? Do you like it smothered? Do you enjoy watching a bunch of bearded men play with their meat together? Of course you do. Satisfaction is GARUANTEED. check it out.

Their slogan is : We make your dreams come true, and then we eat them.

So, would you eat it?

Saturday, March 26, 2011

IM ADDICTED TO BACON

They say nicotine, heroine, and coke are some of the most addictive drugs. ever.

Naw, BACON IS! FUCK YOU SCIENCE!

5 signs of ADDICTION:
Withdrawal -- The severity of withdrawal symptoms produced by stopping the use of the drug.
Reinforcement -- The drug's tendency to induce users to take it again and again.
Tolerance -- The user's need to have ever-increasing doses to get the same effect.
Dependence -- The difficulty in quitting, or staying off the drug, the number of users who eventually become dependent
Intoxication -- The degree of intoxication produced by the drug in typical use.

SELF-DIAGNOSIS (BACK OFF WEBMD, I GOT THIS):


Withdrawal:10/10, I'M ALWAYS AT THE SUPERMARKET, GETTIN MY DAILY FIX.
Reinforcement: 10/10, I CAN'T STOP EATING BACON.
Tolerance: 0/10, bacon would NEVER demand me to fry more bacon for the same greasy goodness
Dependence: 10/10, I can't quit. A day without bacon is like a day without....bacon.DAMN.  
Intoxication: 10/10 Dude, we about to get FRIED.

TOTAL: 40/50. According to my calculations, that's a B. FOR BACON. I ACED THAT TEST.

In celebration, here's "A SIZZLIN BACON RAP SONG" TO TICKLE YOUR MIND...AND TASTE BUDS.



So, how addicted are you?




Friday, March 25, 2011

CONDIMENTS

Sometimes bacon just isn't good by itself and we need to add a bit of pepper.

Naw, FALSE, on TWO accounts. FIRST, bacon is great by itself. SECOND, the only thing that could accompany bacon is MORE bacon. 

I present to you, BACON CONDIMENTS: 

After eating bacon strips covered in bacon condiments. you proceed to sprinkle bacon salt into your mouth and dip your fingers in bacon ranch. Then, BACONNAISE SHOTS! Drink it up! Drinking baconnaise to you is a lot  like having sex on a boat. IT'S FUCKING CLOSE TO WATER. 

You already want it, so I won't say any more. Here's a link to some bacon condiments: 


Those were just 3 of my favorites, the site has plenty more to choose from.

SO, would you condimize it? 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Make BACON, not war

The war in Libya has escalated, and the civilians have stocked up on popular food items, especially canned goods.

Naw, they're bringing in the BACON. TACTICAL BACON!

TACBAC, abbreviated because less is more. More because there's half a pound of pure pre-cooked pig in  this package. FUCKIN' ALLITERATION.

TACBAC is synonymous with wine, it gets better with age. Preservable for 10 years!  Enjoy a prolonged snack in your jacuzzi and fancy mansion surrounded by your loved ones (playboy bunnies) or pop a can open in the heat of battle and watch as fighting ceases and everyone sings to the tune of kumbaya while you pass around the lard and pig fat. FUCKIN' WAR HERO.

But seriously guys, shit's legit. 

Here's a youtube review of the TACBAC by some random asian:



SO, TACBAC, great invention, or greatest? 

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

ACCESSORIZE

So aside from bacon tabs and bacon lingerie, the world hasn't been very creative.

Naw, the world is BURSTING from its busty seams with wondrous creativity.

THE GAME DONE CHANGED.


BACON BANDAGES: NATURE'S CHOICE FOR HEALING ALL WOUNDS
BACON MINTS: THE KING OF BREATH MINTS, GUARANTEED TO GET YOU LAID LIKE A KING WITH LARRY KING IN A BURGER KING BATHROOM MUNCHIN ON YOUR KING-SIZED, BACON-FLAVORED CANDY BAR. 

BACON BELT: ASSONANCE 



Those were just some of my favorite bacon-themed accessories. 

There's a PLETHORA of BACON-themed goodies at this site, which shares my love of bacon: 


So, just one question guys, would you buy it?


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

BACON TABS

Judging from the responses to my last post, it seems like some lines were crossed and some bloggers were offended. And I concluded bacon isn't great on everything.

Naw, you can NEVER have enough bacon. What was once an edible product limited to consumption in its solid form is now available as a liquid. 

I present to you: BACON TABS


Looks look sprite, TASTES LIKE BACON.
Clear as water, ORGASMIC AS BACON.
Same old fizz, BRAND NEW SLAUGHTEREDPIGSCONDENSEDINTOTABLETFORM.


So, would you drink it?

Monday, March 21, 2011

everydayBA-CON LINGERIE

So I've read through the replies and it's unanimous, this blog is now about bears. bigass bears that'll eat you right up without a second thought.

Naw, it's about BACON. And to be more specific, BACON STRIPS, THE WORLD'S MOST VERSATILE INVENTION. EVER.



HERE'S TO BACON! 
BACON STRIPS look good on anything, but SHOULD be on EVERYTHING.
And as these images clearly depict, BACON STRIPS are synonymous with SEX.


So, there's only one thing left to ask, would you eat it?

Blog Theme.

After starting this blogging biz, I've been so excited. I went to school grinning from ear-to-ear and told everyone about my new blog. 

Naw. I told fucking no one. But I did think about my new blog and where it's going. I realized I needed a theme for my blog.

Right now, I'm thinking about centering topics around my name, everydayBA. BA stands for badass and I'd probably just recount humorous situations from the day. 

And then I realized, most of my humor is for guys. I'd be shunning half of my (potential) audience!

But, fuck it. After all, I'm going to write about what I enjoy. Things such as:

BACON STRIPS. 
SMOKING.
BACON STRIPS.
DRINKING.
BACON STRIPS.
AND MANLY THINGS.

Anyway, leave a comment about what you think and offer some suggestions for themes.

Thanks, I'm all ears. 

Sunday, March 20, 2011

I've got a cold. Or maybe it's allergies?

Woke up. Drank three bottles of water and proceeded to drink half a gallon of orange juice. Popped some Tylenol, Mucinex, and Benadryl just because I like the name.

Naw, who am I kidding, I fucking love Benadryl. I don't even have allergies. Come to think of it, no one in my family does. But you know what I do have (and this applies to the rest of my family as well)?

Too much money and a deep love for deceptive commercials. Have you ever seen a Benadryl commercial? Shit's crazy bro. It starts off with those little helicopter things that twirl after you throw them in the air and it's accompanied by the sound of REAL helicopters, which is how I always imagined it anyway. And that's when you know. That field full of flowers you're standing in is a fucking war zone. Those blades of grass are lethal. That pollen in the air might as well be poisonous gas. Those pea plants are the miniguns of mother nature. As if that wasn't enough, they pull out the slow motion as the little helicopters collide with the dandelions. SOUND EFFECTS! Every hit is like a cannon ball making contact with the poop deck of a pirate ship. This commercial has got me more terrified than blackbeard's pubic hair.

OH, Benadryl you're such a tease. The commercial ends with "Win the War Against Allergies."   Shieeeeeeeeeeet. I almost wish I had allergies. Oh well, didn't stop me from taking them.

God, I'm so satisfied. Benadryl is medicinal gold. With that being said, Tylenol, Mucinex, and Benadryl must be the damn holy trinity of over-the-counter drugs. I feel like I died and went to Heaven, where there's nothing but strips of bacon as far as the eye can see. And you know what? I'm the goddamn juggernaut of bacon eating, destined to consume bacon for the rest of eternity. Who cares if I'm morbidly obese, I'm dead anyway. Indulge your gluttony.

Speaking of gluttony, I've been deprived of it for today. I can't really eat anything without it painfully scraping down my throat. Feels like the food turned into goddamn razorblades as it makes its way down my esophagus. I'm starting to taste the pulp in pulp-free orange juice. The bullshit organic soy-milk my mom insists on buying tastes like sour-ass whole milk filled with milk curds. And drinking water's like trying to stand below a waterfall with my head back.

Yeah, I've got a drinking problem. And that's probably where this cold really started, I tried to cut down on drinking. Since swim season ended and my weak, asian body will inevitably morph back to having the physique of a prepubescent 12 year old, I didn't want a beer belly on top of it all.

Convenient, with St. Patty's being the perfect excuse. Green beer looks like vomit anyway. So, I decided to switch over to something that's naturally green, or purple.

Oh, here's to an epic pun: "I call my weed the Quran, cause burning this shit will get you stoned."

And that's what we did. After a few bowls of cereal, we couldn't feel our legs.
Dank. Ass. Shit. I mean, I couldn't even stand up straight. Being so high and so damn tall don't go well together.

I visited the Sears Tower in Chicago a few days back. They've got a new skydeck where it's just a thin layer of glass separating you from a 1500 foot drop. I'm not really scared of heights, so I stood on the edge of that shit like that bitch did on the cover of Titanic. Didn't feel a thing.

And that's when you know that you've had too much: when leaning over the skydeck of the Sears Tower doesn't scare you and tokin so much that you can't even stand up straight because you're dizzier than D!zZy D.

I woke up the next morning. Drank three bottles of water and proceeded to drink half a gallon of orange juice. Popped some Tylenol, Mucinex, and Benadryl just because I like the name.

Yeah, I've got a cold. Or maybe it's allergies?